There are some photos that should never see the light of day...

This my friends, is one of them. Compose yourselves, what you're about to see may haunt you forever. This is what happens when an overeager photographer has a little too much to drink, and thinks it's a hoot to mess with his clients:



HAHAHHAHA! That's me! HAHAHAH! Nice glasses! HAHAHAHAH! Cool sweater! HAHAHAHHA!

HAHAHAH! HAHAHAHH! HAHAHAHHA!

The White Whale

You never thought it could happen. It was a dream, a fantasy, an urban myth. Only children whispered about it. But one fatal day, Tiffany stepped...out of her comport zone. After spending a pleasant evening, drinking diet coke with slackers, stoners and recreational misfits...she discovered the White Whale, swimming freely in her midst...BIG CHEETOS!

Yes, they exist. A cheeto ball as big as a child's fist. An island of orange fun, a clown cornucopia of cheese delight. It exists! Tiffany can now retire into that good night, known as ADHD overload.

Do not try this at home, or you will look as dumb as I do. Nobody can look this stupid, and still rock a moon-glow pallor or a khaki argyle sweater. Stay gold, Pony!

Poorly done, Tiffany. Poorly done.

It infuriates me that the CD sticker is not PERFECTLY placed on the CD. It was 3pm, the deadline at 5pm. So, I had to send it in like THIS. It was a bitter battle, but my lazy side won. I am not happy about it. It haunts me. It would have looked perfect, but the sticker got stuck, and I couldn't fix it without tearing it. Dammit!

And what is with the pink? What am I trying to say? WHAT AM I TRYING TO SAY? Whatever it is, I'm not buying it. Time for bed so that I can analyze this for another three hours. Next year, I am gonna make a black and white sticker and turn in my application at least a day BEFORE the deadline.

Sisterhood?

Women need a sisterhood. Sound like a bad flashback to the '70's? Tough. Men have a sense of brotherhood. That's the difference between girls and guys, particularly in comedy. There are two kinds of women attracted to comedy. Intelligent women and women who need "attention" because they see themselves as "the ugly sister".

All women are beautiful. I would never call another women ugly, (although I have been called ugly, mostly by other women) but there are lots of mean women out there, and meanness is ugly. It changes your face. I see ugliness in so many women, especially in comedy. Nastiness does not make you more talented, just insecure and unpleasant to be around.

People complain that "women aren't funny". But half the audience are women! Why aren't the women laughing? Because women are just as sexist as men. Women have to work twice as hard to get anything, not just a laugh. Sadly, women have to fight men and women to succeed. Men form A Boy's Club, while women fight each other. It seems as if women will not work together. Women would rather follow a male leader, than work together. Who benefits from this? Men.

Depressing, but I will not defeated by the insecure. I will not be forced into being a bitch either. I WILL BE THE GANDHI OF FEMINISTS! The 5th wave begin rights here. I will not pander to the inner politics of backbiting women, I will not spread hateful lies about other women, I will not try to stir up trouble about other women, I WILL SUPPORT, NURTURE and ROOT for other women, not matter how hard it gets.

It's a monumental task. Women are so "suspicious" of each other. I remember when I was an Intern at the New Jersey Shakespeare Festival I told this friendly girl that I had a crush on this guy, Tom. She gossiped with me about him, and acted really nice. After I left the dressing room, she called him and told him that I was obsessed with him, and that I was stalking him. Thanks, Morgan. Then she laughed about it to the other women in the dressing room, bragging about how she had fucked me over. Funny!

My real friend, Sarah was in the dressing room and told me about it when we got home. Sarah was horrified because she was a good friend. I remember that I wanted to kill Morgan for attacking me without reason. I sometimes wish women fought physically like men. I'd fuck bitches up. But children fight, not adults. I have to solve problems without losing my temper like my idols. Although it is tempting to call bitches out...How I have dreamed of saying, "You have the skin of a much older women and the eyes of street prostitute. I hope you are eaten by maggots."

Most women have a Mean Girls story. The end of my story is quite boring. Morgan fake-apologized to me, so that she could feel like she was a "nice person", but mostly because the rest of the girls turned against her. The other girls turned against her, not out of solidarity with me, but because they were jealous of Morgan for being beautiful, and having a good role at the Festival. Perhaps that is why Morgan hated other women, she was used to other girls hating her for being pretty.

But sometimes the worm turns...I saw Morgan perform in a Harold Pinter play at the Festival. She was horrible. Mean actresses have a hard time being vulnerable on stage. They don't want to play low status or lose status. And they have no empathy for other human beings, which is why they can't play characters. They generally play a version of themselves in a heightened environment. The Morgans of the world understand one thing: I WANT TO BE FAMOUS, I WANT THE BIGGEST SLICE OF THE PIE, or SHE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST SHOES WINS! These women (may) graduate to sitcom roles, where some sarcasm is required, but that's it. And when they lose their looks, they lose their minds.

Women are just starting to network with each other, slowly...the dynamics are changing. But mostly, I see young women sucking up to men, because they think men have higher status. Lame. Women treat other women well! I am not perfect, especially when I feel attacked by other women, but I always try. I have the weight of thousands of years on my shoulders! Don't shrug, Atlas. DON'T YOU FREAKIN' SHRUG!!!

NGC-1532 in Eridanus

NGC-1532 in Eridanus, originally uploaded by mpastro2001.

Yes, And.

Stupid Game Moves

That Tiffany Has Committed in Short-Form and Long Form Improv
(in homage to Erik)

1. In a scene where the entire class mimed playing poker in Las Vegas, Tiffany thought they were on a Navy Submarine Ship and mimed sweeping, not knowing what sailors would do in a Navy Submarine Ship. Dumbasso!

2. Tiffany initiated a short-form scene with a robot voice. Weirdo!

3. In the 2nd beat of a Harold, Tiffany took off a pair of fake glasses to explain why she was suddenly able to see a secret door in the basement. Class actually groaned from the rank move. Stupido!

4. In a 2nd beat of a Harold (Billy Merritt teaching), Tiffany gleefully kicked a guy out of The Foodie club for not being a true foodie. Billy stopped the scene with: "That's really mean!" Meano!

5. Tiffany played a vegan who convinced her boyfriend to give up meat causing Billy to say, "Talk about a controlling women! Jeez." Controllingo!

6. In the same brilliant beat of that vegan scene, Tiffany held her fist up in the "Black Power Jane Fonda Fist" causing a guy in the 1st row to comment to a peer, "She's doing the Black Power Jane Fonda Fist wrong." The female peer responded, "I know." Ignoramo!

7. Tiffany jumped in as a peeing dog in a game of Freeze-tag and used her irritating retard-girl voice, a lisping, stuttering creature from Grandma's failed abortion causing the fiercely talented Annie Sertich to sputter, "No one likes to see a retard!" Political Incorrecto!

8. Tiffany was given "Southern Belle" as a character monologue and after a brief period of stalling, played a cliche Brittney Spears type mixed with Bronx truck driver, and then attempted to shake her tits at the class for a cheap laugh, causing A to stop the scene with "Stop, please stop..." Slutto!

9. In a short-form scene: M had the idea of "building a survivor tent" while Tiffany wanted to "confess her sins". Did Tiffany build a tent like a caring scene partner? No! She forced M to confess her sins. steam-rollero! and douche-bago!

10. Tiffany ruined a 3 person scene, the very beginning! It's an old rule, the moment a new person enters the scene, you turn and acknowledge them! D entered--and did Tiffany initiate a strong beat with him? No! Tiffany ignored him! stage-hoggyo!

11. And finally, instead of creating interesting characters, Tiffany started yet another scene with....a cliche Florida Southern accent! Hacko!

Despite this, Tiffany will continue to study Improv because she is sick of classical theatre.

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A Reveiw of Juno, the Screenplay

Juno is the screenplay by Diablo Cody written while working as a sex worker.

It is the story of a teenager who gets pregnant by her best friend, who refuses an abortion because she feels bad about it even though she is a pro-choice atheist. Juno decides to give the baby up for adoption to a nice couple, an annoying, infertile woman and an early 90's ex-punk guy, who may not even want to be married.

Juno (in the movie) is in many ways, a spoiled, ironic little snit. Not as alluring as other dark teen intellectuals. Perhaps, I haven't been able to forget Ellen Page as the psychopath-heroine in the film, Candy. Anyway, Ellen Page should have taken one moment to be "unironic" and just plain real. But that is the tragedy of Juno. Or Ellen Page. We never get to see her grow up, and start paying for those witticisms, bought by her parents.

But Juno in the screenplay is much more endearing. She is sarcastic, but not alienating. Juno is rude to those who deserve it, instead of everyone. There is an adorable moment when she is playing guitar with the husband and they are singing, "Dollhearts" by Courtney Love until they are "caught" by the wife, who ignores the sexual chemistry between the tweenager and her husband.

But Diablo Cody has won permission to dress like an exploded "Hot Topic"! Wear leopard print. Wear goofy hats. Work the Bettie Page. She has written an awesome post punk pulp novel as a screenplay. The writing is clean, fun, and so intelligent! Diablo Cody deserved the Oscar. Juno was an interesting take on the old story of teenage pregnancy.

Ellen Page reminds me of a smarter Christina Ricci, and Ricci is wonderful as herself, but so not wonderful doing anything else. Why is that? Do these ladies have any empathy for other types of people? Is that why they are restricted to playing versions of themselves? Is it lack of empathy? Or is it a technical thing that cannot be explained?

Or is it that they are both insulated children of the Hollywood system, and thus, unable to create characters like you and me, because they don't know characters like you and me, other than their Mexican maids or tutors or the guys that park their cars?

That ends this week's Book Review and self-righteous tirade. Catch next week's Review of two books about Charles Bukowksi and a scorching analysis of how far "Californication" misses the mark on Hank. You know somewhere Sean Penn is foaming at the mouth.

Death Proof

Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof script finally showed up at my local library. I don't like to buy books anymore, because I am sick of having to pack them when I move, and I always seem to be moving some place new.

I spend just as much money on library books as I do on real books, since I always turn my books in late, and late fees in Los Angeles are sushi-expensive. I paid 30 dollars to read, "M. Butterfly". Well, consider it a donation, and scratch off the karma card.

Tarantino, a master at dialogue, has the problem that many people accuse David Mamet of having: He can't write for women. Okay, Mia Wallace is a great character, but if you think about it, the greatest lines are not spoken by the men. The women are there to look good and fight, and in short, turn on Taratino.

It would be cooler if Tarantino paid attention to real women, because the dialogue between the women in the movie sounds so fake! Writing or Acting? The dialogue was just as boring on the written page as it was in the Theater. Ok, I have to say it: Italian Vogue is not Porn for Women. It's strange that someone so mind-numbingly talented would turn to "Sex and The City" for inspiration, because it totally sounds as if QT watched WAY TOO MANY episodes of Sex in the City before he wrote Death Proof.

You know you really want to see Carrie dressed like Cherry or Mia or Go-Go, driving a 1969 White Mustang SMACK dab into Mr. Big's town car with one final splat, as the music blars Surfer Music. For the record, I think Mamet writes great women characters, the only problem is that Mamet really hates women, even more than women hate each other.

Natalie Portman makes out with Sean Penn???

I take back everything I ever said about Natalie Portman being a Little Miss Perfect. Portman swiped that deck of cards down with one groomed hand---she has been caught making out with the original Bad Boy from the 80's, Sean Penn. Gross. You don't know where his mouth has been. The dude slept with Madonna, and, and...well, hookers and strippers, and MADONNA.

Portman has done something naughty! Maybe she really is cool. Winona Ryder really blew it when she shoplifted, come on, COMMIT A CRIME. The crime reflects the person. Shoplifting is a teeny-bloober crime, but sleeping with Sean Penn--that's as crazy as robbing a bank. Portman has finally veered off the A path. I hope she gets even wilder. I always liked her, but thought her acting (most of the time)was wooden.

But now she is a slut! She has a real shot of becoming the next Elizabeth Taylor. I hope she takes away Brad from Angelina or something else really dishy, like shacking up with Obama or David Letterman. Maybe she'll talk smack about a Studio Head, or reveal an opinion, something like 'Ron Howard hasn't made a decent film since Parenthood', or 'George Lucas can suck it.'

If she does, I'll hang her photo on my refrigerator next to Helen Mirren who went topless as Cleopatra at the Royal Shakespeare Company. Helen's picture is right next to Francis Farmer who is right next to Marilyn Monroe. Oddly enough, the only goody-goody I really like is Tina Fey.

Reveiw of Candy Girl by Diablo Cody

Diabo Cody has many supporters: feminists, screenwriters, performers, housewives. Interestingly, she has just as many haters: feminists, screenwriters, performers, housewives. Her memoir is about her time working as a stripper at a number of foul strip clubs and one revolting place called, "The DollHouse," where she masturbated behind a glass wall for men.

Cody comes from a comfortable middle-class home, she went into the lifestyle for 'something to do' which is demented. Free-thinking, but demented. Kubrick said that he had always been fascinated by Artists and Criminals. The same goes for Cody, with strippers and their ilk filed under "seedy low-life".

Diabo Cody gets lots of PR, quite a lot for a screenwriter. And that might be why so many screenwriters hate her--- they don't wanna have to dress up for the kiddies, or get drunk at parties, friggin' go to parties--to be considered interesting. And then there is the writing. Some people hate her dialogue, they do not think it's witty or snappy or anything other than juvenile.

Her memoir was fun to read. Gross, but fun. I thoroughly enjoyed the book, in particular the part about "lifers". A lifer is a woman who does nothing else with her life but dance for men. Cody is not so interested in other people as much as she is in getting her rocks off rocking others off. Cody grew up feeling ugly, and dry humping men for money helped her solve her inner beast. Once she knew what it felt like to be hot, she quit.

I like Diablo Cody for her bravery, despite the extroversion. She has a little Courtney Love in her, but not as intelligent. I'm pro Diablo Cody. Kind of. The silly hipster clothing irritates me. Cody begs for attention and it reminds me of a woman I used to work with at an unnamed company who had dyed purple hair. Everyone thought she was so 'punk rock', when she really was just dumb as toast.

Introverts don't like Extroverts. But in all fairness---What about Truman Capote? He had his "look". And so did Allen Ginsberg, and hey, didn't Sylvia Plath indirectly cultivate a postmortem persona around her suicidal charms? So, who am I to judge Diablo Cody? Who is she supposed to dress like? A forty-year old, married women from Pittsburgh? I may hate the way Cody dresses, but I have to admit, she dresses better than I do. Lately, I've started to dress like Bonnie Hunt, and IT AIN'T PRETTY, folks.

So why am I not totally into Diablo Cody? Because of the way she dresses! Hipster fashion is retro. It depresses me. Punk is dead, come up with some new shit. Why are tweens obsessed with punk rock? Why don't they invent some new stuff? WHEN will people start a new look for our times? Our culture is stagnant. That's the problem. We are a dying culture. That's what I think whenever I see a 16 year old wearing a Black Flag T-shirt. It is not progress. It's death.

I give you, Tom Lennon of Reno 911

ASSSSCAT, the Upright Citizens Brigade's improv show on Saturday and Sunday nights in Hollywood, California is a crazy-awesome show.

Guest monologuer, star of Reno 911, Tom Lennon (with shaved mustache, rendering him almost unrecognizable)started the show with a series of monologues based on a one word suggestion from the audience.

Most monologers try to be funny or tell amusing stories. Not Tom. This brave man told real stories about his fucked up life: crazy mother, crazier uncle, small dick, public humiliation and my personal favorite of the night, a New York street mugging that gave him a black eye that he couldn't open for two months.

Sincere as chicken biscuits, Tom bared his heart for the Asssscat. It was comedy that hurts. Bare the vein, Tom. Wherever you are, Thank you for being so brave and sincere and interesting. It was the one of the coolest spoken word tirades that I have seen in a long time.

Casey undermines and chokes Carla on Top Chef Finale

My beloved Carla on Top Chef Season 5 lost.

She lost because Casey Stone Bitch was her sous-chef. Casey is the classic, Passive-aggressive Best Friend. She will fuck your husband. She will turn your oven too high and deflate your souffle--of "forget" to check the temperature for you.

Instead of an up-and-coming, "good-looking" (her words, not mine) chef--Casey came across as incompetent. Perhaps Casey was jealous of another woman winning Top Chef. Perhaps Casey thinks she is superior to Carla. Perhaps Casey thinks she should have her own cooking show.

Richard Blais took a back seat. And Casey had her chance for the title in Season 3. Casey did not support Carla's vision of a winning Three Course Meal. She ridiculed the idea of simple steak and potatoes. Her suggestions were politely voiced but underneath you could hear, "I AM A BETTER CHEF THAN YOU!"

Richard is an excellent Sous-Chef. He made suggestions but let his Executive Chef Hosea run the show. Not Casey. She thought it was a second chance TO SHINE. Then the bitch talked shit about sweetheart Carla. "Carla was in over her head....she is not even classically trained...Carla messed up her own food."

Now how about a nice fresh glass of Shut the Fuck up, Casey Thompson?

Oscars 2009

Hugh Jackman sucked. He seems like a perfectly nice fellow. A singing, dancing, romantic-comedy kind of a fellow who sometimes stars in a Big Budget Film when the money is right. In other words: A Total Shill.

But who gave him the job hosting the Oscars? Let's count down through the years...Chris Rock, Jonathan Stewart, Ellen, Steve Martin...and, and, and...Hugh Jackman?

He's not funny. Somewhat charming at a dinner party maybe, but the Oscars is way beyond cute gay guy near the cheese platter. Jackman had nothing interesting to say---except for a minor slam on Branglina which is always welcome.

Jackman opened the Oscars with musical spoofs of nominated films. He danced and sang and then danced some more. Apparently, he wanted us to forget that most entertainers open the Oscars with a Monologue.

A monologue that includes jokes and timely commentary, and--if that doesn't work, well, one year Whoopi Goldberg dressed up like Elizabeth I. All Hugh Jackman really did was showcase his lack of ability to host the Oscars.

Apparently, he doesn't trust his ability to banter with the best, which forces the question, why do it at all? He showed us what we already knew, that Jackman really does Musical Comedy well.

Fuck you, Facebook!

Our love affair is officially over. The relationship was intense, spirtual and somewhat slutty. I was attracted to sending world-wide pokes to seldom seen friends. It was exotic. I enjoyed the spark of instant connection. I moved around a lot and it gave me the chance to reconnect with family and friends.

We started on a high note. You wanted to know about the Books and the movies that I enjoyed. You were interested in my mind. The attention went to my head. I was playful as a child, trusting and naive. I forgot my natural inclination to wander alone, like a wolf. And then you allowed me to review books online. This must be true love, I thought.

And that's when you went psycho ex-boyfriend on me. You got clingy. You dictated rules that our relationship would have to follow, a pre-nuptial agreement stating that whatever I brought to the relationship belonged to you, and only you, forever. You told me--that you owned everything I uploaded on Facebook--the pictures, the quotes, even the inane chatting.

I began to dream of freedom--an Internet where I could upload freely, without fear of control. I learned that the EPIC (Electronic Privacy Information Center) was after your ass and threatening to file a lawsuit against you--unless you returned the rights of privacy to the poor users of Facebook everywhere.

You abdicated under scrutiny. But we could never recover the flames of our first fling. I packed my bags, hired a laywer and got the fuck out while you were sleeping. I dyed my hair and changed my name to Samantha. I drink with the boys now and sing in a dark club in Miami. I write long letters to friends that I have met twice that I will never send sober. And I haven't looked back since.

Mean-Spirited-and-Petty-People

This is an article that I found on Internet which I thought was pretty insightful. There are a lot of nasty people in Los Angeles who will go out of their way to fuck with you. Not sure why.

I find it particularly galling when women are deliberately mean to other women. Generally, I want to punch you bitches in the face but I'm older now, and I can't lose my temper ever time you spoiled brats try to start some shit.

Basically, it's a waste of my time and energy which is why I think mean people are mean. They want something from you. Pay attention to me! Compete with me! Acknowledge me! Love me! And you know what? No fucking way! Mean people are cowards, pure and simple. There is nothing cool or interesting about a coward.

Anyway, I like to be nice to people and I hate it when you bitches force me to think negative thoughts. As Mamet would say, "Be the thing you want to be". I don't want to be a bitch. Gandhi is watching my ass, man. So this article below is a brilliant piece on how to tune out mean people without losing your temper.

Mean-Spirited and Petty People--How to Deal With Them

Almost everyone has had to deal with someone who is petty and mean spirited. Sometimes these people come and go in your life quickly, but other times they're a nuisance for a long time to come. For instance, you may have a family member, romantic relationship or a co-worker who is petty and mean spirited. Right now, they`re a fixture in your life, and you may have to put up with them for a very long time.

How can you do that, and stay sane at the same time? This article will deal with this question in great detail. By the time you're finished reading this article, you'll be better equipped to deal with people who want to cause you emotional pain.

Why do they do it?

You've probably asked yourself several times, why the other person feels the need to antagonize you. Why do they want to hurt you, or make you angry? The answer to these questions is varied. Most times, the other person is dealing with feelings of jealousy, remorse, anger, envy, distrust or spite. They may not understand why they do the things they do themselves.

The important thing to remember is that you can't control their actions. However, you can control yours. Both you and the antagonist are responsible for your actions, and nothing can change this basic fact. In order to deal with someone who is petty and mean spirited, you have to control your reaction in order to reap the most benefit.

Don't Get Sucked in to Their Game

Often, the antagonist wants you to blow up and get angry. If you do, you're essentially rewarding their efforts. They walk away thinking you're the mean one, and in a sense, you are. Anger can be a useful tool. Anger lets us know when we're being mistreated, and spurs us to confront or defend ourselves against the onslaught, which can be useful. But when anger is given free reign, you become no better than the antagonist.

When dealing with someone who is petty or mean spirited, don't get sucked into their game. Basically, they're playing a power game, and every time you react in a negative manner, you're allowing them to win.

Play it Cool

The best way to deal with a petty, mean spirited personality is to play it cool. You can and should stand up for yourself, but at the same time, you should do it in a positive manner. For example, if a love interest is treating you unfairly, you should inform them of what they're doing calmly. Shouting, arguing and punching walls does nothing to further your cause. Instead, they can point to your actions, and use them against you.

Instead, inform them, and walk away. If you feel your rage mounting to the point of no return, simply walk away from the situation.

Let Them Fall Into Their Own Trap

When someone is baiting you, it's easy to lose your temper. It's basic human nature, really. But humans also have intellect, and you can use yours to your own advantage.

For instance, if a co-worker is baiting you at work, you can either react harshly, or show your fellow co-workers that you're a better person than that. You'll garner respect from your co-workers, and make the baiter both powerless and impotent. In effect, you can turn the tables on them. They're the ones that will look bad, and deep down, they'll know that they have treated you unfairly, whether they want to admit it to themselves or not.
_________________________________________________________________________________

So there it it, my friends! There is light at the end of this tunnel known as Los Angeles, out of the dark.

Be the person you've always wanted as a friend, parent or lover.

Dude, I just saw Fred Willard

Fred Willard! Comic genius and sketch comedy legend! Legend of Christopher Guest movie's like "Best in Show, For your Consideration and (personal favorite) Waiting for Guffman.

I saw the Colony Theater's piece of s--- production of "Candida" by George Bernard Shaw with Willow Geer. Fred Willard wasn't in the play, he just came to see it in a running jumpsuit.

I handed him a flyer and I was like, "wooo, something major just happened." He didn't bat an eye. In fact, I think he avoided eye-contact. I think he was afraid I might start blubbering and praising and you know how that shit goes down.

The production of Candida was lame. Candida might be the worst play ever written by Shaw, but I wouldn't know because I have only read 3 of them. Or 2 of them. And seen 2 of them. Whatever. Shaw is a God Of Plays for many reasons. Namely, he brought back philosophy to the stage play.

"Man and Superman" is brilliant. It made me want to write. I wanted to write play like that about what the Baby-Boomers have done to Art and America. I would love to see a female version of "Man and Superman"--where a women gives up the "life of the mind" for marriage. When Hollywood writes this kind of a movie, it comes out like, "Baby Boom" with Diane Keaton.

The play Candida is a drawing room romantic comedy and with some discussion of "greatness" and "poetry" and "true love". I literally wanted to puke in my purse. Oddly enough, an old lady sitting next to me with a walker said out loud..."The acting is terrible! This is worse than Shakespeare"

Damn, that hurts. When an old lady with a walker disses your performance outloud like that. But it was pretty hilarious. Thank god for irreverent and inappropriate people. I can't think of anything worse than Equity Theatre Shakespeare. And I love Shakespeare!

Darkly Dreaming Dexter

Americans hate their lives so much that they secretly dream of murdering each other.

Sadism is taught in our education system. Destroy your peers. Lie, cheat, back stab and remember She who Dies with most Shoes Wins. All in the pursuit of the American Dream to one-up the Jones. Not only do you want to be successful, but you want your douche bag peers to suffer minimum wage, a study diet of bologna sandwiches and zero health insurance for their diabetic children.

Life in America is difficult--school-ground status highs and lows, dip-shit school teachers, competitive career-jousters, clique Dior mommy-clubs, daddy mountain bike groups, Male alpha big watch egos, water-cooler passive-aggression--that somewhere along the line--Americans have learned that, hey: VIOLENCE IS REALLY FUCKING COOL!

Tune in to Showtime's Dexter: He is a Man that has Learned to dismiss human morality. He kills and tortures people for fun. He likes to tie people up and listen to them scream. But it's okay, America: He only murders fellow serial-killers, so we don't have to feel guilty!

Somewhere along the line the Anti-Hero became the New American Hero and I find it sordid and sad. But, I also like the show and watch it whenever I can. As they say in Battlestar Galactica: WHAT THE FRACK DOES THAT MEAN?

Do I enjoy being scared? Is it sort of like re-reading a Stephen King novel? Am I truly studying the decline in social values or am I secretly no better than a blood-thirsty Roman heading to the Coliseum?


Maybe it isn't all that difficult to understand. We all like to listen to ghost stories around the camp fire to remember that we are safe and loved and well, safe.

Review of Cupcakes and Co

Cupcakes and Co
Neighborhood: Burbank
130 E Magnolia Blvd
Burbank, CA 91506
(818) 843-2340
www.cupcakesnco.com

Ian and I sampled the cupcakes they have on display at this tiny cupcake bakery -Cupcakes and Co- in Burbank. I was so excited about the cupcake shop! I couldn't wait to try one, imagine my surprise when we bought two and they...sucked. How many ways can you mess up a cupcake? Well, let me count...

1. Dry white cake.

2. Dull cream cheese frosting, dull, really freakin' dull next to dry white cake.

3. No strawberries or fruit or anything other than a vague pink thing inside the cupcake.

4. Charge 3.50 a cupcake without delivering a great cupcake.

Ian ordered a chocolate cheesecake and I took one bite of it and said, "Yeah, it's alright. No biggie." That my friends, is a moral crime. Shame on Cupcake and Co for making medicore cupcakes!!! People get really mad when they want a good cupcake and get a half-way decent baked thing.


Okay this is a horrible picture of me which is why I have to post it. I'm taste-testing the cupcake, but I really look as if I am demented. That poor cupcake really wants to be left alone.

Dieting really does bring out the worst in people.

The L word, a first and final commentary, Part I

This show sucks. It sucks so bad that you have to like it. First you hate it, then you like it, then your freakin' love it, because it sucks so bad, there is nothing like it on television.

The L word is filled with some pretty cool characters and then some Really Annoying Women. More on the cool characters later, right now I want to focus on the top two Annoying Women---and for me they have to be: Adele the crazy bitch and Jenny freakin' Schector.

Jenny Schetor is one of those irritating middle-earth girls who like poetry, razor-blades, negative-attention, and long walks in the dark. She is also the kind of girl who sneers if her best friend is complimented instead of her. (I had a roommate like that--never again!) In short, Jenny is needy, immature, competitive, and an all-around spoiled brat. I LOVE TO HATE HER!

But Adele is completely crazy from the get-go. Namely because she admires Jenny, and that's a big clue that she is not particularly bright in addition to being destitute and well...creepy. But not Malkovitch sexy-creepy, just plain-Jane-I-want-to-be-your-friend creepy.

Season 5 is about Jenny's complete ego meltdown. Jenny has always been egocentric, but she goes completely over-the-top and turns into an infantile director who hires an indentured servant in the form of Adele to 'assist" Jenny direct her piece of shit hip L.A. lesbian coming-out film.

But this is what makes this stuff so freaking good!!! Adele totally undermines Jenny but trying to BECOME JENNY! Adele copies Jenny's hair, clothing, word-choice, ect. She even tries to ACT LIKE JENNY by being rude to sincere people! It's like a tween novel come to life.

Jenny treats Adele like shit, she insults her intelligence, her sense of style, and generally acts if Adele is a lower-caste plebeian. Of course, Adele endure the insults so that she CAN STAB JENNY IN THE BACK and then watch Jenny's Ego CRUMBLE BEFORE HER EYES when she destroys Jenny's career as a Film Director by stealing control of the movie from her.

Adele steals a sex video of Jenny banging her Lindsay-Lohan clone movie star lead and shows it the producers and threatens to expose the video unless they turn the movie over to Adele. Jenny is ruined. She is fired and her agents drop her. Adele is avenged and Jenny is destroyed. Adele smirks for the cameras and takes over Jenny's film based on the book that Jenny wrote about her own life.

Oh, the greed!

Madonna is going crazy

What a shame.

Narcissism is a slow disease-it starts at puberty and quietly grows throughout adolescence, spreading from the loins to the brains and back again, growing hotter and nastier and greedier with each passing decade.

Spanning the lingerie twenties, the power-suit 30's, the mothering 40's until BAM! Full fledged case of the Crazy Old Lady in a bikini. She looks like my Aunt trying to pick up twenty-years old in a tank-top.

If you look into Madonna's eyes... you can still see the little girl inside begging to be loved. LOVE ME! LOVE ME! LOVE ME! But if you look too close you will see the road to Morodor. Terror and desperation feed the dead-lights. Spooky.

She just realized that she is no longer relevant and she will no longer be worshipped at the altar. Humility comes to us all. Take a bow, Madonna! Go gently into that good night known as star retirement. Say Hi to David Bowie for me.

But I just have to ask: Does Kabbalah teach their students NOTHING????

Evan Rachel Wood

Evan Rachel Wood is officially dead to me.

She is dating Mickey Rourke who plays HER FATHER in The Wrestler. Gross. I mean I get that Mickey is a cool old guy and all that, but do you have to sleep with every cool old guy you meet?

What are you thinking Mickey Rourke? Are old actors so desperate for nymph flesh that they have to shag up with young and younger women? Do you really feel more potent, Mick? Sean Penn still bangs his wife!

I've never been a big fan of ERW anyway, she has always reminded me of some rich, white girl who ought to be in a Woody Allen film, playing a rich, white girl. But I guess she heard that Woody Allen was taken by Scarlett Johansson.

And I've never warmed up to the middle name either. Why do we have to call her Evan Rachel Wood? What's wrong with Evan Wood or Rachel Wood? Is she wants to be different she can go with Evan Wood and be known as the Pretty White Girl with a Boy's Name.

And the movie Thirteen made me want to vomit in my tea. Do the baby-boomers and elder Generation X'ers actually think that the rest of us didn't know that it was Tween Porn disguised as Serious Social Commentary?

Jeez.

Obama keeps it cool

This sketch never gets old, because it's cool, and that's the only rule, keep it cool.

Giada De Laurentiis

I give you Giada De Laurentiis, granddaughter of Dino De Laurentiis who produced Hannibal, a terrible, truly tasteless film that should have shamed Anthony Hopkins back to the English stage.

Giada really annoys me though I am not sure who annoys me more, Giada alone exposing her B cup breasts, or her super annoying mother exposing her old, weathered breasts. Now why does this annoy me so much?

Is is wrong for women to expose their tits? No. I support strippers who work for a living. But Giada is a chef teaching her audience how to bake and serve with style. And it's just so....so....gimme attention!

Wanting attention. That's not a moral crime, but Giada adds a jacko-lantern smile with way too many whitened teeth along with a Head That is Way Too Big For Her Body so that she looks like a Food Network Pez dispenser.

And that isn't even why I dislike her. So what if she has a big smile and a big head? That's not a good reason to dislike a person. But, but...it's so much more than that. It's the tits. Giada is constantly shoving her bits at the camera--when I just want to learn how to roll Italian butter cookies.

It's offensive. I am offended by her deliberate attempt to attract attention with boobs instead of butter. The Food Network channel wanted to attract a young male audience, so they apparently asked Giada to go wear revealing tops for the ratings--and she sadly complied.

Giada comes from money, the De Laurentiis are a wealthy established Hollywood family, so it's not as if she's an aspiring pastry chef who desperately needs a hit cooking show to make up for her sordid childhood or future retirement. So why does she belittle her skills with gratuitous titty shots?

Because she loves attention! Now is that a moral crime? No. Everyone wants attention. So why do I still dislike Giada De Laurentiis? Because instead of earning attention for her baking, she earns it for her looks---and she is not really pretty. Because spoiled ugly rich girls can buy attention and looks.

The bitch is 'maxed-out'. A maxed-out woman is a woman who cannot look more attractive. Nothing more will enhance her looks. She has done EVERYTHING possible. The result is a strained, overbearing pumpkin grin every time she presses the pulse button on her food processor.

Come on, we don't really want a supermodel chef anyway. Unless she has a true kick ass personality. Hard to come by though. Padma? Tyra Banks? No, on Banks, but a good maybe on Padma, she seems pretty awesome. What we really want is a intelligent, quick-witted pastry chef who bakes well without resorting to the childishness of hardened nipples.

Skeletor to He-Man in Masters Of The Universe

Yes, I feel it; the power fills me! I feel the universe within me! I am, I am a part of the cosmos! It's energy flows, flows thru me! And what consequence are you now, this planet, these people, they are nothing to me! The universe is power, pure unstoppable power; and I am that force, I am that power! Kneel before your master! Fool; You Are No Longer My Equal! I AM More Than Man, More Than LIFE; I AM A GOD!" -Skeletor to He-Man in Masters Of The Universe

Believe it or not, I read this quote on JayCium's post on Bravo and it was so good I had to reprint it here. Thanks JayCium.

If you're wondering why I am reading posts on Bravo, the short story is that I have bronchitis, so I spend my days resting in an upright position. I am very BORED and reading and watching TV is getting old. I can only read and watch bad television and worse fiction which means that I have been re-reading Laura Ingalls Wilder and pop magazines without shame.

Though I have to say what is going on with day-time television? It's not as a bad as I remember which means that it's a big old bore.

Amy Poehler is BACK!

Briefly, she made the entire show in 3 minutes or less.

"Prop 8-The Musical" from FunnyorDie.com

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Tina Fey Rocks

Tina Fey is the Clint Eastwood of performers. She is a beautiful woman with a slashed-up face. It's intriguing. Who is she? How did she get that scar? How did she become so talented? Why did she used to be fat? Where did she come from?

She is so interesting that it's difficult to respect her privacy. Women these days are rarely interesting or mysterious. Men have to be interesting, especially if they are unattractive. The key thing about Tina Fey is that she is interesting and attractive. Feminists must hate her for combining the ideal in one pie plate.

At any rate, the eight ball has spoken: Tina Fey's husband opened up to the press this week about the origin of her facial scars. Apparently, Tina Fey was slashed up by a stranger when she was child. My God, that gives me the chills. Can you imagine what she must have gone through?

Tina Fey HAS A SOUL! Not only is Tina relevant cool, she is now Bukowski cool. Tina Fey is the ideal. She has overcome being fat, knifed, funny, intelligent, quirky--to become the ruler of the TV universe, not to mention Alec Baldwin's Master.

And you guys thought Kim Basinger was something special. BAHAHAHHAHAH!

Twilight the book sucks big apples...

Twilight sucks vampire spleen. I hope the movie is better than the book, because I'm halfway through the book and the writing is wretched. Wretched, Healthcliff, wretched.

Twilight is the first novel in a series of tween vampire fiction, written by Stephenie Meyers. Great idea, half-assed technique. But I still like Stephenie Myers, because she lives in Arizona and didn't go to Harvard, Yale or Princeton. Yeah, Meyers! I'm glad that you're making money hands over fist, too bad the writing is mediocre.

I don't mind bad writing as long as it is clean bad writing. Jackie Collins is a great bad writer, which means she eliminates excessive adverbs and writes a nice, tight plot. But Stephanie Meyers! Man, the book plods along until page 65, before revealing what we already know, the dude is a vampire.

This is a good concept with some interesting Gothic romance building but I really think it should have been edited with a rat-tooth comb before hitting the book stores. I can't even get through ten pages of dialogue like:

"Perhaps." He said, morosely staring at the amber trees beckoning the morning birds from the last night's early rain.

Ugh, spare me the description of the background. Who cares about trees? We care about character! Straight to the history of vampires, please!

Please write a better vampire novel so that I can be one of your biggest fans...

Shopping kills!

Stay home, guys. Seriously, get some extra sleep, curl up in bed with a bad book and leftover pumpkin pie like me. Because SHOPPING KILLS!

A Walmart employee was killed on Black Friday after he was bum rushed opening the door by a crowd of crazed shoppers. A stampede of 200 trampled the man death, while injuring four innocent Walmart workers. All for a cheap Wi.

Now Walmart workers don't sign up for a life of action. They work at Walmart. They barely make 8 dollars a hour and have to work on the day after Thanksgiving. Unregulated democracy is a beautiful thing--it really sticks it to "the unlucky social classes".

I've worked a shitty job like this, so I know how bad it sucks, and I also know what jerks customers are--but murder, damn. They don't pay you enough to risk murder on the clock.

For the record, I worked at KMARTS, Winn-Dixie, Publix, Chili's and some god-forsaken wings restaurant for a week before I quit in a huff because the owner criticized my wing sauce pouring skills.

Shopping kills! Stay home.

They will take our turkeys away with impudence

The saddest story in the world.

My brother was supposed to get a turkey from work. But because the economy is doing so bad, they canceled the order. He works at a restaurant! Not only did they already ORDER the turkeys, but they SENT THEM BACK.

Now that's pretty sad.

The restaurant industry are some of the cheapest corporations in the world, right up there with the auto industry. No freaking handouts to those guys either! These are the bright guys that hired lobbyists to convince Washington that "tips" should be taxed.

Maybe they will start a strong union out here in Los Angeles for the chefs. They work sous chefs like dogs, as bad as engineers with a 80 hour work week. It's hot in the kitchen, man!

That's why chefs have such bad attitudes. Just look at my brother. What a hot head!--I guess chefs and painters get a pass. What about writers? I guess we just "take it to the page".

I like that, when I get mad, I just smile...and "take it to the page." That means I'm gonna write some evil shit about you that you will never forget. That's my next assignment. To right some evil shit about my brother's restaurant.

You know this tirade is making me hungry.

A security guard killed a man wielding a sword

Just when you though Scientology couldn't get any weirder: A security guard shot and killed a man wielding a sword Sunday on the grounds of this Scientology building. The real question is: was the security guard a trained Scientologist? Or was the man with the sword a recovering Scientologist? Man, I want answers.

My pet theory is that the man was brainwashed and tortured by the freaky-beaky cult. He flipped out, grabbed the nearest weapon he could find in his West Hollywood apartment, and took the bus to Hollywood to polish off a few dozen elistist cult leaders.

You know that a man with a sword and an undiagnosed low self-esteem issue can do some serious damage. This poor man was mostly likely stripped and forced to expose his darkest secrets. My heart goes to the unidenified man and family. This cult has got to be stopped--on my time!

Love Darts

Just thought I would share pictures of authentic love darts, straight from the lovesick hearts of snails.

Clown on Halloween

I look demented. But happy.

Halloween 2008

Okay, I'm a bit late, but here are some photos. Those of you who know me, know that I stay home and take photos of the little kids who come to my door to document the holiday.

I am hoping to make one weird collage in ten years. This is my third year doing it, so I'm right on track. Oddly enough, I didn't get too many "good" photos this year, the ones I have are "boring" or "typical".

I really like it when I get a photo of the kids making strange faces. I particulary like it when I snap a shot of a greedy kid, fighting for candy, or a cute, scared kid. One time I got a fun photo of a kid who I called, "Mr. Cool", staring me down with sunglasses.

What a delight!

Amy Poehler rapping as Sarah Palin

ttp://cs60.clearspring.com/u/4727a250e66f9723/492b9e88784bd79d


"My name is Sarah Palin, you all know me!
Vice-prezzy nominee of the G.O.P.!
Gonna need your vote, in the next election!
Can I get a what-what, from the senior section?
McCain got experience
McCain got style!
But don't let him freak you out
when he tries to smile!
'Cuz that smile be creepy
But when I'm V.P.
All the leaders in the world gonna finally meet me!"

[ two Eskimos enter and stand behind amy ]

Amy Poehler: "How's it go, Eskimos?"

Eskimos: "Eskimos!"

Amy Poehler: "Tell, tell me what you know, Eskimos!"

Eskimos: "Eskimos!"

Amy Poehler: "How ya' feel, Eskimos?"

Eskimos: "Ice cold!"

Amy Poehler: "Tell, tell me what you feel, Eskimos!"

Eskimos: "Super cold!"

Amy Poehler:
"I'm Jeremiah Wright, 'cuz tonight I'm the preacher,
I got a bookish look, and you're all hot for teacher."

[ reveal Seth Meyers and Gov. Sarah Palin enjoying Amy's rap, as Todd Palin joins the performance ]

Amy Poehler:
"Todd looking fine, on his snow machine
So hot for each other, need a go-between
In Wasilla, we just chill, baby, chilla
But when I see oil, it's..."

All: "Drill, baby, drilla!!"

Amy Poehler:
"My country tis of thee
From my porch, I can see
Russ-ia and such.

All the mavericks in the house, put your hands up!
All the mavericks in the house, put your hands up!
All the plumberss in the house, pull your pants up!
All the plumberss in the house, pull your pants up!"

[ reveal Gov. Sarah Palin raising the roof ]

Amy Poehler:
"When I say Obama, you say Ayers! Obama!"

Eskimos: Ayers!

Amy Poehler: Obama!

Eskimos: Ayers!

Amy Poehler:
"I built me a bridge, and it ain't going nowhere!
Ooooohhhhhhhh!

McCain/Palin
Gonna put the nail in
The coffin, of the media elite!"

Eskimos: "She likes red meat!"

[ an extra in a moose costume crosses the set ]

Amy Poehler:
"Shoot a mutha humpin' moose, eight days of the week!"

[ a shotgun blast fells the moose ]

Amy Poehler:
"Now you're dead!
Now you're dead!
'Cuz I'm an animal, and I'm bigger than you!
Holdin' a shotgun, workin' the pump!
Everybody party, we goin' on a hunt!"

All: "La la la la la la la la!!"

[ shotgun blasts ]

Amy Poehler:
"Yo, I'm Palin! I'm out!"

[ Amy and her entourage exit, as snow begins to fall ]

My Funny Valentine

My Funny Valentine
My funny valentine, sweet, comic valentine
You make me smile with my heart

Your looks are laughable, unphotographable
Yet you're my favorite work of art

Is your figure less than Greek? Is your mouth a little weak?
When you open it to speak, are you smart?

But don't change a hair for me, not if you care for me
Stay, little valentine, stay! Each day is Valentine's Day

-Chet Baker

David Foster Wallace commits suicide

David Foster Wallace killed himself Friday night.

I can't think of anything more terrible that David Foster Wallace home alone on Friday night. I have a visual image of him walking around this place thinking right before killing himself. Where was his wife? I can't believe he killed himself. This is horrible news. I feel guilty. I posted a critical review of him on my blog. But no one actually reads my blog. So why should I feel guilty? No one actually read it.

I feel like someone hit me over the head with a shovel.

Paris Hilton for President

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

An Open Letter from Peter Coyote on the SAG conflict

Dear Colleagues,


A small minority of actors are internationally known, iconic figures, whom audiences flock to see in films and on television. Producers know these actors as the best means to insure return on their investments and reward them appropriately for that security. In addition to talent, these actors have had that extra measure of good fortune, and have been propelled to the very top of our profession. It is to these actors that this letter is addressed, because your good fortune may have insulated you from issues currently afflicting the majority of actors who support you as the ‘friends’, ‘lovers’, ‘cops’, ‘lawyers’, ‘judges’, ‘villains’, and ‘side-kicks in films, and who are also hard-working, talented and skilled professionals.

Since 1990 the earnings of the top leading actors have increased exponentially while the salaries of nearly all other actors have been systematically driven down. In many cases, the earnings of established character actors have been rolled back by 60-70 percent. This occurs, in large part, because the working professional (as opposed to the star) is at a disadvantage when negotiating in the new corporatized production environment. We do not possess a unique, marketable (and often media exploited) brand, and consequently lack the power to make or break the existence or profitability of a film. Consequently, respected, veteran actors with numerous credits and hard-earned “quotes” now routinely receive "take-it-or-leave it" offers, often at “scale”---a beginners wage.

Our actor’s Guild has two weapons to employ in protecting its members: the threat or fact of strike, and the power of its “star” members. The power to strike is the union's ultimate weapon, but it is a crude and draconian one and wounds everyone in our industry. Consequently, like nuclear weapons, it is rarely used. The industry is currently facing its second strike this year because the majority of its membership is suffering and feel they have no other recourse. If you possess only one weapon, it’s the one you use. Given the radical depression in earnings there’s little wonder that a strike is on the table again.

There is a simple way leading actors might bring a second, more flexible and targeted weapon into the fray on behalf of your colleagues which incidentally, would provide the ancillary benefit of insuring that you consistently play opposite actors of the highest caliber. If you were to include language in your contracts specifying that, in your films, the "quotes" of your peers must be recognized as a negotiating floor for their compensation, if you publicized that fact, and, if you kicked back a modest amount, say on salaries over six million dollars a film to make that money available, each and every actor negotiating to play opposite you would be empowered to demand the fair compensation that he or she has won for their work.

Why should you be asked to kick back, you might well ask? (and even wonder at the nerve of the suggestion? ) There are a few reasons that make sense to me. 1) You are the engines of the industry, and consequently immune to pressure and intimidation. 2) You are the wealthiest sub-community of the actors, and, possessing the awareness and sensibilities of artists, understand the mutuality of our work in a way that producers never will. 3) Such a gesture would buttress your peers who cannot win such gains for themselves except by sabotaging the entire industry with a strike, which prevents much work in which you have points from getting made.

Also, let’s relate to the non-celluloid world for a moment. Once an actor reaches the six or ten million dollar mark for several months work, they are financially secure for life unless they are morons or have extremely bad habits. By the time they’re earning 15-20 million, some measurable percentage of those earnings is meaningless. A major star on a film we were doing together, once told me, (We were discussing this issue) “Hey there’s no difference between 17 and 18 million to me! My agent tells me so-and-so gets it and so should I.”

That “no difference money” is the difference between earning a living or not for most of the rest of us. A modest return to insure the health of the entire community (the principle behind income taxes) hardly seems excessive. While this would not solve all the problems of our community, it would certainly remove much of the desperation and rancor from negotiations and make earning a living once again possible for far more of the membership. It cannot be legislated by law, only by custom, but as a custom it would lend a definite grace to our industry, and perhaps set a model that might inspire others. (Why do the words “Corporate executives” leap to mind?)

You cannot grow roses without mulch. While stars represent the beautiful blooms of the industry, the soil of the industry, the medium of growth supplied by all those who surround you, is being starved for nourishment. Eventually, this lack of payback to the medium supporting all the growth will kill, if not the plant itself, at least its quality and vitality. Our industry is not secure while the majority of its players are not. To change the situation requires consciousness, solidarity, and power. We have the consciousness and solidarity. We appeal to you for help with the power.

Sincerely,
Peter Coyote

Lyrics for Chick Habit, by April March

April March is a singer/cartoonist who studied at CAL arts of all places. Her song CHICK HABIT was in GRIND HOUSE at the end, after the girls beat up Kurt Russell. It's a delicious, infectious song that I can't stop listening too. Here are the lyrics-

hang up the chick habit
hang it up, daddy,
or you'll be alone in a quick
hang up the chick habit
hang it up, daddy,
or you'll never get another fix

i'm telling you it's not a trick
pay attention, don't be thick
or you're liable to get licked

you're gonna see the reason why
when they're spitting in your eye
they'll be spitting in your eye

hang up the chick habit
hang it up, daddy,
a girl's not a tonic or a pill
hang up the chick habit
hang it up, daddy,
you're just jonesing for a spill

oh, how your bubble's gonna burst
when you meet another nurse
she'll be driving in a hearse

you're gonna need a heap of glue
when they all catch up with you
and they cut you up in two

now your ears are ringing
the birds have stopped their singing
everything is turning grey

no candy in your till
no cutie left to thrill
you're alone on a tuesday

hang up the chick habit
hang it up, daddy,
or you'll be alone in a quick
hang up the chick habit
hang it up, daddy,
or you'll never get another fix

i'm telling you it's not a trick
pay attention, don't be thick
or you're liable to get licked

you're gonna see the reason why
when they're spitting in your eye
they'll be spitting in your eye

Equality is a myth

"Over half of all Master’s degrees are now awarded to women, yet 95 percent of senior-level managers, of the top Fortune 1000 industrial and 500 service companies are men. Of them, 97 percent are white."

Ruckus loves to eat

Damn, that is one ugly dog.

Mr. Jeeves loves to sleep

Mr. Jeeves!

Play Risk at your own Risk and ever with friends or family..

It all started at christmas with an innocent gift from my beautiful friend Anya....a game of Risk...






And then we started playing the accursed game and things got out of hand as friend turned to foe and foe into bitter ally into dead bitter ally. Soon, friendly enemies were marching their solders onto my islands, declaiming "Democracy" and the next thing you know it was my cruxification and gas chamber department stores they were after..

Sixties Costume contest

Be AFRAID! BE VERY AFRAID!!!

Look at who we are becoming....all I is need a lobotomy and a Foreman Grill.

That's not even the funny part, I won a 2$ starbuck card and bought myself an venti iced soy coffee and I was likin' it. What's next?

Let me introduce you to my friend, the Russian....

This is my friend, The Russian. He actually looks like this. He likes to jump out of planes and follow carnvials around for fun. Seriously. He sold his car and bought a RV so that he could travel the world as a "Carnie" selling stuffed bears to girls and pathetic women. And he makes a decent living!

He also sleeps with his dogs in the RV, and watches the Tyra Banks show. I know this because I was eating breakfast when I was unemployed and he kept interupting my "private time" with the television. The Tyra Banks show was on, and he kept interupting, "She's no Oprah." After the Tyra Banks show, I liked to watch The Kardashians, but everytime Kim came on, he would sneer, "Whore." He was very judgemental. And nothing ruins a good five hour TV jag like absolute morality.

Anyhow, I can't get rid of the Russian. He has become my Russin brother, like I need any more. I have five. Or six. I lost track. Everyone should have a Russian friend, at least once in their life.

Cal Arts, elite art school supports the War on Oil and Terrorists

Can you F'ing BELIEVE this holywmolie???????

Walker's Pie House

Ian and I swung by Walker's Pie House on Solano Ave for some chow. Well, I was hungry for pie and he wanted a hamburger so we headed into the unknown. After being seated by a perky hostess, I asked our waitress for pie and I was handed this--

A seperate pie menu! Astonishing.




I couldn't decide what pie to get! It was maddening. Apple pie, banana cream pie, strawberry pie, custard pie, pecan pie, chocolate silk pie....rhubarb pie.Wait...back up? Rhubarb? That's it for me!

I asked Ian, "what the hell is a rhubarb?"

"A root." he said, searching the menu for beef.

A root? Like celery? Celery pie? Man, you know I have to try it. I went with the strawberry rhubarb, just to be safe. A sure enough, it was pink, and a big fat root stuck out of the pie like an ogre eye.




It tasted awesome! Rhubarb pie for breakfast, lunch and dinner.




I like good pie.

Innate Goodness!

Zombies in Albany

Awesome!
I found this when I was walking through Albany last Sunday to see Ocean's 13. The artist seems to be saying that Albany is filled with mind-numbing zombies, and I kinda agree.

Even though I like Albany. Sometimes. It's got a real laid-back vibe, and everyone is liberal. Maybe that what annoys me. All the fiftyish, post-hippies running around with their adopted ethnic kids.

I see through everyone. Even goodness. Every thing's a con. Do I believe in innate goodness? Not tonight. I've watched too many episodes of House.

Cougars vs. kittens

Cougars vs. kittens
Older beauties and young hotties vie for the love of a tennis star on "The Age of Love.

I woke and and found this advertisment for some absurd TV show on the yahoo front page. Social brainwashing!

Ok, this is not a coincidence. Casting always goes like this:

Ingenue/Kitten= blond, white, WASP; hair no darker than dirty- blond, skin no darker than cream, freckles preferred--

Bad Girl/Brassy/Wisecracking Friend= Dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin

Get it, guys?

Blond is innocent, dark hair is violent.

I think this goes way back to casting from the 30's.

If you have dark hair, darker skin, and "strong features" which means "ETHNIC FEATURES", you will ONLY get cast as The Drug Addict, The Bad Girl, or The Girl with an Edge, the Girl with Attitude.

They don't want actors, they want types. You don't have to act, but be YOURSELF. In fact, they aren't looking for actors, but someone who IS THE ROLE.

And if you do a "good job", casting people TYPE YOU and say, oh yes, this is a PERFECT ROLE FOR THEM, blah, blah, blah, because they say you once do something "dark" and that is it!

It's just an excuse to keep casting WHITE PEOPLE in WHITE PLAYS about WHITE PEOPLE. You theatre geeks better catch up, because television casts more African-Americans, Jewish-Americans, Asian-Americans, and Hispanics than theatre.

The pretentious, smug, white, RACIST, Bay Area Theatre Scene needs some new blood. It has degraded into an Elite, White Polo Club. With 2 working African Equity Actor, 1 working Hispanic Equity Actor, and 2 working Asian-American Equity actor.

Tokens! Tokens! Tokens!

Halloween 2006

I crashed Ian's parents' house in Berkeley to take photos of the little kids who came to the door for candy.

I thought it would be an interesting experiment to document the kids who were trick n' treating.

Sad, clown girl was by far my favorite. See her hovering in the middle of the picture, alone? Who goes out on Halloween alone? Who, I ask you, who?

Knocked Up--MILF Romantic Comedy of 2007

Judd Apatow rocks.

Ian & I saw Knocked Up at the El Cerrito Speakeasy, and the writing really blew me away. Juss Apatow used to direct Freaks and Geek back in they day, which I never watched, but I'm going to download it sometime soon.

It's a well written Romantic comedy with a standard plot format, the only thing really different is that is was actually funny because the acting was awesome and the cast could do comedy, not for the faint-hearted.

The sidekicks had great meaningful dialogue, not just fulfill the plot dialogue but actually funny, intelligent shit--like doorman's monologue about how he hates to be a doorman because he can only let in 1 black person is there are 25 people in the club--or the doctor fighting Seth's character, and then apologizing for being a jerk.

But the film is too long. He should have taken 45 minutes out. I would have cut the beard stuff, the Harold Ramis scene, the mother scene, and the pink eye scene, and the scene where she vomits.

There's a great moment, when the blond MILF (played by Judd's wife) is denied entrance to a hot nightclub, and younger, hotter girls are let in as she stands there fuming. She's really pissed because she is used to being young & hot and having certain advantages, so she is really pissed that her advantages are being taken away because she is older and hot, instead of young and hot.

And then her character starts to rant about all the "young cunts" and you can see that she despises the young hot women because they have what is slipping away from her...power.

And it struck me that most hot women become feminists once they hit the wall. And they hit the wall hard. Because THEN they see that the cards are stacked, and they don't like to play with a loaded deck...when it's not loaded in their favor.

The beauty system was fine for them when it was tipped in their favor...but once they hit the wall, and have nothing else going for the (career? a life's work?) they freak out, and declaim, "WAIT A MINUTE...THIS IS NOT FAIR!"

But what they really mean is: How Can I maintain my power without changing the system?

And worse yet, they take it out on women...not on men...but younger women whom they envy. Because woman is the enemy of women. We bitch about how men treat women, well... gloves are off, bitches! It's time to call out women for how they treat other women.

It's a cruel system. Embrace your youth, but let it go when you've had your time in the sun, life is a circle, let it roll. Don't begrudge others for their time in the sun. Be nice to young, hot woman. They could be your daughter, sister or niece. You enjoyed your youth. Let them enjoy their youth.

And remember, MILFS: There is no wall. There is no freaking wall.

BitTorrent strikes a deal...

It appears the film industry wants a piece of the downloading action, making Netflicks obsolete.

I still think that $2.00 a pop for a TV show is WAY TOO MUCH. And I ain't gonna pay it, and I encourage everyone to say NO FREAKING WAY!

I'm willing to pay $2.00 for a 2 hour film, but for a single 1 hour TV series?

HELL NO! I'm sticking with democracy player! See Below:

BitTorrent launching TV, movie downloads
Cory Bergman February 26th, 2007

Coming today, BitTorrent is launching a download site with films from Warner Bros, Paramount, 20th Century Fox, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer and Lionsgate along with TV shows such as 24.<(Sell-outs!)

The idea is to influence 20- and 30-something guys who regularily download illegal torrents to upgrade to paid legal downloads. (Women download too you know...get real...men are only interested in downloading free porn...)

“We have to program for that audience and create a better experience for that content so the audience converts to the service that makes the studios money,” said Ashwin Navin, president and co-founder of BitTorrent. (UH....Not gonna happen!)

Like most sites, TV show downloads are $1.99 a pop, and movie rentals will run $2.99-3.99 for 24 hours. (Price-fixing! Fucking commies!)

The BitTorrent advantage? Faster downloads due to its P2P nature. BitTorrent said movies will download in half the time and TV shows in one-third the time as its competitors. (Uh...this sound awesome, how soon can I steal it?)

Downloaded content is protected by Windows DRM, and as such, will only play in Windows Media players. (FUCK WINDOWS! IS THIS A MONOPOLY OR WHAT?)

But the question remains: will the new service convince people who have downloaded free torrents for years to suddenly pay for the same thing?

No!

BitTorrent is guerrilla warfare...fighting for our civil rights for Free Market Entertainment

After Ian & I downloaded the final Soprano's episode last night from TorrentSpy, we found this message from our friends at BitTorret:

Hello Friends of TorrentSpy,

This message is to inform you about recent efforts by the motion picture studios to shut down TorrentSpy. As you may know, in February 2006 the major movie studios and their Washington lobby, the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA), filed a lawsuit against TorrentSpy and other search engines.

We guess that hiring hackers and turning a blind eye to identity theft is not enough for the movie studios and the MPAA. Now they want to know who you are, what you search for, and what you download. In short, it is the view of the movie studios that websites should not allow anonymous use and your activity on the Internet - anywhere - is their business.

The really scary thing is that if we lose this court battle, the movie studios will be able to go after any search engine or website and force them to collect data about YOU. It is not an exaggeration to say that losing this fight is a nail in the Internet's coffin.

We have spent the last year challenging their relentless campaign against the 1st Amendment and personal privacy laws Worldwide. We have succeeded in delaying the court order to turn on logs while we appeal it. TorrentSpy will not create logs of what you do on the site without your consent.

While we use Google Analytics for website statistics, TorrentSpy servers have never tracked your IP Address, the searches you make, or how you use the site. We are dedicated to your privacy and we are fighting for your rights!



Okay, you MPAA fuckers: I admit to sharing files with strangers...but if you guys charged less for films and tv cable, then maybe the rest of the working world wouldn't be FORCED to SHARE our digital files-

That's right...we LIKE TO SHARE! Sharing is GOOD for society! And if you thugs actually BELIEVED in a Free Market, which you don't, you would let the price for films and cable TV sink to a price that working people could afford, and then they would pay 5 dollars to see your piece of shit films.

In the depression, everyone went to see films, because it was cheap. You guys have price-fixed your films for years...and this is the end result. People band together and share their digital files. We will share! Ha! Take that!

The MPAA believes in entertainment tyranny.

The MPAA and the movie moguls are communists. You guys believe in a fixed market, where you can make up laws and take our money and price-fix and then you turn around say that you believe in a free market, and hunt us down by hackers and find our IP addresses.

If you want information on what I watch, you have to pay for it, send me a questionnaire and free ticket and I'll fill it out, BUT YOU CAN'T SPY ON ME!

We are at war, that's pretty clear. Be afraid, movie moguls and MPAA. Jello Biafra once said that Americans will only fight for convenience. And you know what else? Americans will fight for television just like they did to repeal the tax on their mother-fuckin' tea.

There are millions of us. We can't be stopped. You want a truce? Stop price-fixing. Let the free market determine the cost of films and cable.

Until that time, it's all out WAR!

My cat makes me so happy...

No time to blog. But wanted to post a photo of my beautiful cat who makes me so happy! My cat loves art so much, he falls asleep in front of it. Meow!

Paris Hilton...Love it or Hate it? Or is it a diversion from real issues like Iraq?

Blue Surge

I read a really interesting play today. Rebecca Gilman's "Blue Surge." It was awesome. I opened it up thinking it was going to be some banal romantic comedy and it ended up being a penetrating look at class warfare in America.

I know that this was done at the Magic Theatre a couple of years ago with and I would kill to know what the SF uppercrust thought about the play.

Tiffany Aleman is a Bitch

Tiffany Aleman is fat.

Tiffany Aleman is stupid.

Tiffany Aleman is fat and stupid and she dresses like a wrestler.

Tiffany Aleman ignores me whenever I start talking, I am a VERY INTERESTING PERSON, and she is pretending as if I am NOT an INTERESTING PERSON, and I can't stand it.

Tiffany Aleman is always READING during her lunch break and I HATE IT when I walk by her with tons of people and she is ALONE like the LOSER than she truly is and then she has the audacity to IGNORES ME!! WTF? I am HOTTER THAN HER, and COOLER than her, and EVERYONE WANTS TO BE ME!!! Doesn't she want to be me? WHY DOESN'T she want to be me?

Tiffany Aleman wants my job, I know it, that is why she works late, not because she believes in doing a good job, or because she is responsible, who works hard unless they are after a promotion, she wants to SHOW ME UP and STEAL MY SPOTLIGHT, and the spotlight BELONGS to me, because my mommy told me that I was the SHINEST PEACH, and SHE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST SHOES WIN!

Tiffany Aleman stares me at oddly when I am talking, I am always talking, because I am in love with myself, I think that I am so intelligent, because I am so wealthy, because my rich ass parents sent me to Harvard or Yale or Princeton and I am the greatest of the great, so why does Tiffany Aleman stare at me with that fish-eye when I am talking, who does she think she is?

Tiffany Aleman wants to be me because I am beautiful and she is not. Tiffany wants to me because I wear short skirts and she is JEALOUS because I have a hotter body than her and no matter how Tiffany denies it.......because she is a big fat fucking jealous bitch and my biggest achievement in life is trying to make other girls jealous, because if other women didn't envy me, I would cease to exist, because I don't really exist, because I have ceased to exist.

Tiffany Aleman is the biggest bitch that I have ever met, but don't put that in print, because that makes her sound a little cool, and she isn't cool, she sucks, but not in a good way, she's a bitch, but she's an unremarkable bitch, okay? TIFFANY ALEMAN IS THE UNCOOLEST PERSON THAT I HAVE EVER MET, BUT NOT GEEK-COOL or DORK-COOL or UNCOOL-COOL, JUST NOT FUCKING COOL-COOL!!!!

And why won't she KISS MY ASS? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Why, Tiffany, Why?

Celebrity Blitz at The Thick House

I'm doing a staged reading at The Thick House for a playwriting performance called, "Celebrity Blitz" mocking celebrity culture.

Alex Park has written a HYSTERICAL piece on the Angelina and Brad Pitt fiasco, I play an actress under Brad Pitt's control (yum!) who beats up Angelina Jolie after re-enacting a Lauren Bacall/Bogart type, over-the-top, film-noir type thing.

The writing is fierce! Check it out, if anyone out there gets bored, and needs something to do on June 7th or June 8th, Thursday/Friday night.

Subterranean Shakespeare ; Berkeley, CA

The entire cast rocked! Everyone has a wonderful handle on the verse, and it was really interesting how everyone had a moment on stage where they could speak the verse truthfully.

Everyone knows how much I adore Jack Halton, Bay Area Shakespeare Actor Extradinare. I met him almost two years ago in an Audition class with Jonathon Moscone over at Cal Shakes, and he was super-cool then. He did this piece where he took out a rubber-ducky and threw it against the wall. It was intense!

Jack almost stole the show for me. He came out with a piece of cheese during this physical comedy bit, and it was HILARIOUS! How I long to see Jack at ACT or Berkeley Repertory in a lead role.

I also loved Lady Macbeth and MacDuff. Although I hate to single out performers, I think that theatre in an ensemble effort--everyone helps create the moment, and I mean EVERYONE, even the stage manager helps create the mood and tone of the piece.

I herald Jeremy Cole for casting the most Hispanic actors that I have ever seen in a production, I never see Hispanic actors working, I mean, hardly ever in the Bay Area theatre scene, which I just don't understand.

It was delightful evening. Although I didn't feel too well, and drank a beer and ate chocolate bar, and almost puked during the Intermission.

Encore!

Temple of Poi Intermediate Boot Camp with Isa Isaacs, GlitterGirl

The Temple of Poi rocks.

Poi-star, and intellectual powerhouse Isa Isaacs, aka GlitterGirl teaches a 12 week Intermediate Poi class in downtown SF, 2 blocks from the Powell Station.

Intermediate Boot Camp gets you a private session, 12 80 minute Poi classes, and a Poi Pilates class to work on your core muscles.

Poi is definitely difficult to teach, it demands patience, grace, assertiveness, and constructive honesty every second of the class, which is no small feat.

Isa Isaacs is the Jedi Knight of Poi teachers. A Poi Master and a true Grand Teacher in the arcane samurai sense. Some teachers learn how to teach while teaching---but Isa has taught over a 1000 students at her school, Temple of Poi, and she takes the art of teaching seriously, she's the da shit.

Isa teaches by demonstrating the poi move, and then breaks it down into steps, the most difficult thing to do in Poi, knowing EXACTLY what the fuck you are doing, and being able to explain it. Even cooler, she hands out these cute little black books, so that you can write down the moves in her mathematical Poi shorthand.

I went into Intermediate Boot Camp, a weak-backed, weak-willed waif, with a stuttering arsenal of 3 beat weaves, but I came out 12 weeks later having learned; Spin and anti-spin flowers, Archer weaves, archer fountains, lock-outs, wiggle, barrel-rolls, transitions, and a move I am still learning...behind the back weave.

These moves take time to master, but at least I know what to practice when I'm not writing unpublishable poetry and stories about work. Poi is a great way to relax, when I'm stuck on an idea, I hit the back yard and work on my spin and anti-spin flowers. Although, my cat is afraid of my poi, he thinks they're alive or something...

GlitterGirl is a constant source of inspiration. If you want to get your poi groove on, take a class with Isa.




"Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm".---Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Brief Interview with Hideous Men

I just finished David Foster Wallace's "A Brief Interview with Hideous Men" after a break from reading literature. For some reason, I didn't enjoy it as much as I ususally enjoy his work.

I really love DFW, and I thought he was particularly honest in some of his short stories, but then again, I also found some of the writing, long-winded, repetitive, and mildly and somewhat secretly arrogant.

I hate that word, "arrogant", but what I mean is that beneath the beautiful writing...is a boy who never grew into a man, a whining, petulant boy who wants recognition for being the smartest, the most talented, the most interesting, the most of the most.

I feel the same about Thomas Wolfe, and I was a rabid Wolfe fan for a long time, so this in no way changes how I regard DFW as one of the top writers of his generation.

Anyways....back to the book.

The highlights

• A Radically Condensed History Of PostIndustrial Life
• Death is Not the End
• The Devil is a Busy Man, pg. 190 or story 2
• Adult World (I)
• Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, pg. 287 or “The hippie chick that was attacked and survived story”

The lowlights

• Forever Overheard
• Octect
• Adult World (II)
• The Depressed Person
• Death is Not the End

The rest of the short stories didn’t register enough for me to comment on. ” A Radically Condensed History Of Post Industrial Life” was just about the most brilliant thing I’ve read all year. "Because one never knows…now does one…now does one…now does one…now does one."

They say someone is going to make this into a movie.